His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
