sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
