What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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