So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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