for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
