I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
