um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
