I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
