They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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