I'm sorry my penis didn't work
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
