i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
