new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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