Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
