life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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