I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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