I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
