Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
