ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
what the fuck happened to the tacos
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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