im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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