I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just googled if crying burns calories
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
