God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
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