that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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