Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
whose parrot is this?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
