I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
