I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
