My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
