My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
