what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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