he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
