it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
