textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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