i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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