Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I am full of burrito and curiosity
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
