I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
