Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
