I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
