I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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