i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
