Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
