i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
