What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
