My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
