I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
