What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
