Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
