shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
