She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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