oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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