lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
