Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
