His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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